What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 04:01
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Are miracles real or do they just have natural explanations?
Was to survive, this bastard.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
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We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
What makes a woman attractive?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
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Comes on , in middle age.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I think the readers, may guess!
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Ive learnt so much.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
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When she asked me how she looked .
But it wasn’t much.
I waited trembling.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We were not on the streets..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
The only rule us 5 kids had .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
One cannot live in the past .
She found it foreign!.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I don,t even have a pension.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And i lived it daily.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Im still living with it.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
This is soul school!.
I said to her
We all went to grammer schools
Would this be the day?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Especially a lifetime of it.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But ive been too sick for many years..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Why did i forgive my father ?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I have no regrets .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I couldn’t, believe it.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
It was going to be , some day.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
So whats the point in blame.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My family never makes their pension either.
I was 9 years of age.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She was in good health!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
What did i know ?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was seconnd youngest,
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
All the time i was locked up.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She married twice! .
My life is so biszare .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I will be 64.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He knew the spot.
I was very sick at this time too.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Who then, do I blame.?
So, i spoilt her more .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Put me off passion for life!!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was scared of men, in general
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But, we were locked up after school.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
(And it was in our own minds.)
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She loved him until the end.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She wouldn,t have been !
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I write beautiful poetry .
Im dying but, im not bitter.